Part II: Truth Really Hurts

Earlier this week I was on the airplane trying to think about anything but work. Not work. Not work. Not work. Work. Work. Work. Work work work work worrrkrkkskrkrk… All I could think about was work. Which reminded, me that my company encourages everyone to read Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead, and it’s been just sitting on my kindle. I start reading and find a passage that I highlight:

“A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous . . . to be fearless in owning our parts . . . to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard. More than anything else, when someone says, “Let’s rumble,” it cues me to show up with an open heart and mind so we can serve the work and each other, not our egos.”

Now I’m pumped. I know I’m going to tackle the hard conversation I’ve been needing to have with my manager. Most people are afraid to share upwards feedback, and I am too. More afraid than public speaking, more afraid than I am of sharks. Because I know if I approach it wrong or they take it wrong, my job is at risk.

I document the outline of my dialogue for the meeting, substantiating my feedback with specific examples and building a path to empathy in the dialogue. I’ve taken into account my manager’s personality, provided a fact-driven approach and have kept things professional and as emotionally neutral as possible. I’m ready.

The next day as the meetings wrap up, each one feels like it drags as I’m counting down the minutes to talk to my manager. The fear builds and I’ve got the energy of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” – but it’s like a parallel version of the song with only the awkward lyrics of the song breaking through:

“Look, you had one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment.

You just list it slip.

Palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

There’s vomit on her sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

She’s nervous

She keeps on forgetting

What she wrote down

She opens her mouth, but the words won’t come out (well)

She’s chokin’ how? Boss is hatin’ now

The clock’s run out, time’s up, over, blaow

So, you know how sometimes a tv show is just so awfully cringe, all you want to do is make it stop, but for some reason you Just. Can’t. Look. Away.  

This was that kind of moment. It backfired like a toddler with exploding diarrhea.

I framed up a rather solid structure to the conversation: Kicked off how talented my manager was, layered in my appreciation that she does want us to move fast. Eased into feedback that there’s a lack of clarity in direction. Entered into specific examples, like the time she was surprised I was working on a project for which she’d given me specific action items. Another time, she had me work 2 weeks on a prototype she insisted I build out in a very detailed way. I had to learn an entire software in 2 weeks and build out automations, having my team help on this too. I stayed up late several nights and even negotiated free access to the tool from procurement. The day before I was supposed to present, the entire effort was shut down. I get that priorities change, but

A) This is why you don’t build complex prototypes. We should have just used the out-of-the-box prototype before investing hours and hours into building something obnoxiously detailed for no reason and

B) I can’t believe the day before presenting was the soonest notice I could have gotten that this was cancelled. If I had to guess, my manager forgot we were working on it.

The list of examples like this was endless, but I tried to hit on the top 5.

Next thing I knew, the meeting had basically turned into a PIP, and I think if ChatGPT had been listening in it would have reported something like “Rebecca is immature, she’s got work to do.” Tell me you’re gaslighting me without telling me you’re gaslighting me.

I would have understood a collaborative solution, holding each other accountable. But I never expected this level of deflection.

Zazas 

Sorry, that last part was my cat. But to honor her input I googled “Zasas” and it turns out to be a Pizzeria in Chicago. It has 700+ reviews and 4.6 stars.

Legally I can’t use images from their site or reviews, so below I put in a ChatGPT rendering that is very similar to what it actually looks like:

Now, back to my train-wreck.

I went to my mentors outside of my job for their advice, researched online and below was the summary of feedback:

1.        Document more for my manager

2.        Document more for my records

3.        Elevate the issue to my VP

4.        Start networking & looking for work

Hence why I’m getting high and listening to Lizzo. If only I lived in Chicago, I’d definitely be eating my emotions with some of that Zaza’s pizza.

Source: The bizarre, yet not entirely inaccurate, renderings of ChatGPT